Oh, so *that's* where my emotions went -->

[azekeil]

For once I thought I'd just sit here and write something. So much of what I put in my journal is forced, thought out, put across in certain ways. That makes it sound like it's all very contrived.. well it is to some extent, but more in what it doesn't say than what it does.

Perhaps this entry is going to ramble a bit, and perhaps that is one of the reasons why I don't tend to make entries like this. But I guess I've been feeling rather blocked up emotionally for the last.. week or so. I've been surviving, but there has been a level of background stress and I haven't been able to shake it off. This also has meant that any little extra bit of stress sets my teeth on edge and I just can't deal with it. If I didn't know any better I'd say I was depressed again, but.. no.. maybe that's it. Maybe I am depressed. Or at least just stressed.

I was so relieved when things started moving on the house front - I've spoken about how I've been living with kissycat1000 for the past year and a half. She said that even if she didn't have the responsibilities of her children she wouldn't put herself in the situation I now find myself in - certainly not for the length of time that it's been going on. How many of you have been in a similar situation? I mean, you have a place you call 'home' but end up spending so little time there that the friends you'd built up hardly get to see anything of you; the time you do spend there is spent locked away desperately seeking solitude and a chance to recharge batteries, just to start the whole cycle over again.

This probably sounds a lot worse than it actually is - I mean, I've been coping with it for a year and a half. Perhaps that's the problem - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and now I have hope that this 'limbo' will come to an end it's just proving too much for me at the moment.

I've found it very hard to deal with people recently too, although I have made some progress on specific occasions. It almost feels like I can't relate to anyone, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world, retreating further and further into my escapist activities to shut out the world and its problems, and taking out my frustration and stress on those who really don't deserve it.

Oh, by the way I should probably mention I am completely sober at present, before anyone thinks to comment along those lines. I'm actually enjoying just typing into the keyboard. I don't think I'm entirely surprised by what's coming out - I can't even tell you if it's the root cause. At the moment all I want to do is type and try to explain myself to.. well.. myself. That's what this journal's supposed to be about.

I suppose some of the reason I removed nearly everyone off my friends list recently was connected with all this. I had had enough of giving of myself to people who didn't reciprocate - not just one or two, not just individuals, but perhaps half the people on my list.

I am sorry for the way I've been recently. Like I've been saying, it's been a very love/hate thing with LJ, mostly hate of late. I'm looking forwards very much to being more sociable when I feel like I have a solid base to do that from. At the same time, I have experienced islands of calm and hope throughout this; the recent weekend with earthwyrm, freiga, truefang and Liz was just the tonic. Alcohol, chatting and flirting, music, letching at barmaids, fantastic chocolate-containing chile, bike rides (the next day). Thanks very much guys :)

I need to say thank you to chocojon who has kept me company today. Heh, he's probably used to me being like this and thinks its normal. *Sigh*. I wish I could say it isn't.

I'm scared of being stressed/depressed and spoiling other people's enjoyment of these holidays. How stupid is that? I'm scared of being scared.

Well I think I've run out of things to say for now. I'd like to think I have the freedom to write stuff like this more often in here. Not to say I'm going to start writing big whinges, just that I can write more what's on my mind than I have been used to.

Comments

time

[anysbryd.livejournal.com]

Lj is definetly about getting your thoughts and feelings out of you, and down somewhere where you can look at them and try and take a fresh perspective on it all, the other advantage of Lj is that other people can read your posts, and many other people can relate to how your feeling and offer advise and guidence. All i can really say is thats its important to make time for you, and usually one of the best ways to really unwind is to go out and enjoy time with friends.

I hope you feel less stressed and depressed soon.

Re: time

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You're right of course.. I guess it's just my journal has turned into a social tool for me. I doubt many people on here want to read this sort of drivel more often, and frankly I'd be embarassed to put it in here more regularly. I doubt that much more would come out than present really, but still it's an interesting exercise. Will see how I feel about that as it goes on.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

*leaves seasonal hugs*

Things are rather in flux for you right now... I suppose it's a case of sitting out the wobbly period and seeing how it all settles down again. I'm sure it'll be good... you put so much thought into this stuff. That's probably why you suffer through it, but also I think tends to mean it comes out for the best.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

*collects hugs and offers warm hugs in return*

Yes.. I guess I just wasn't prepared for it to be a wobbly period - you know, you make a change and expect things to improve. You're even prepared to wait for a bit. But I wasn't prepared to go back to feeling low and uncertain after feeling so high for finding the right place for the right price.. it was a bit of a shock to the system.

And that's the other thing. I've thought and thought so much about all this that I've lost track of where I stand on it all. There will be good things and bad things about moving - at the end of the day I decided just to go for it as it's a change to this limbo, and probably a good thing all told.

I suppose I wouldn't conceive of making a change to my life like this without serious consideration.. I can understand someone contemplating it and then just deciding 'fuck it' and doing it.. because I've done that a few times before. But not just doing something and thinking about it afterwards. I suppose I saw people seemingly doing that when I was younger and I thought it was rather.. rash of them to say the least. My autism probably coming out here a bit.

[carakarena.livejournal.com]

I think this is great that you wrote all this down. I'm sorry everything feels so hard right now. I think the people who love you would rather hear you let out your feelings than want you to keep it in so they can enjoy their holiday! *HUGGGGSSSS**

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately I tend to be rather selfish and unable to keep it to myself (gah, moody blokes eh?).. so some of this was in order to process this lot and get it out of the way. Bit calculating hmm?

[winkle.livejournal.com]

Well, what is a journal good for, if not for writing about your thoughts and feelings? :o)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Well quite :)

[cryx]

i'm here for you if you need me.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks very much *hugs*.

I will be sociable soon, and that includes you! (beware!)

[cryx]

yay! :D

[ev1ldonut.livejournal.com]

I know where you're coming from here mate. I've been in a similar situation since February 2002. At that time, a certain incident changed my life dramatically, I found myself living with people I no longer had any desire to spend time with, or even interact with at all (except Chris). When I moved to Clifton with 2 of the people I was already living with, I had hoped it would be a fresh start and things would improve. Instead I grew to actually have an active and passionate dislike (bordering on hatred, which scares me sometimes) for one of them, and the other one I have just drifted apart from. This has left me living in a place where I try to spend as little time there as possible, and when I am there, I shut myself away in the hope of not having any contact with those others who share the house. There are people who have been instrumental in keeping me sane, especially since I lost my job, you, chocojon, Clare and of course most important has been kissycat1000 (which never would have been the case if not for you *hugs*).

Change is in sight for us now, and that just highlights what we have been enduring up to this point, things always seem a little worse when the end is so near, but not quite there. But it really is close now, and hopefully we'll all be happier :)

Have a good Christmas mate, give her a big hug from me ;) see you on the weekend! *hugs*

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Yep, nail on the head. *huge hugs* - I'll give her hugs. See you soon mate :)

[truefang.livejournal.com]

always remember that this is your journal first and foremost.

last saturday was such a good night out, must do it again soon, either down there or if you're up in luton...

crash space always available at mine if i'm there

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Yeah it was wonderful - thank you so much :) I'm going to be in Luton on Boxing Day and the next day visiting tacohell, so might be up for doing something - not sure what our plans are atm...

[7rin.livejournal.com]

"I suppose some of the reason I removed nearly everyone off my friends list recently was connected with all this. I had had enough of giving of myself to people who didn't reciprocate - not just one or two, not just individuals, but perhaps half the people on my list."

And it's 'cause I haven't got the energy to do enough of the reciprocation thang (properly) that I didn't ask to get put back on... but we still love yer, just wanted yer to know that. :)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks - that tends to be the case with people I don't hav e on my list but know as well.. *hugs*

[angelkjg.livejournal.com]

I know exactly where you are coming from in this post. It is the whole reason I started up my LJ in the first place. Most of my entries were just rambled mutter - but it is amazing how just letting the fingers type, even if you didn't set out to write what you have typed, helps.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Yep :) I'm not very good at not being in control though.. I should probably learn to try it more often..

[angelkjg.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how words flow when you "let go". It's funny looking back on entries like that and thinking, "God! Did I really write that?" but feels good at the time. Everyone needs some place to offload - and I guess LJ is as good a place as any.

[lazrus-armagedn.livejournal.com]

I don't think your need for solitude is anything to feel bad about.

This year has been a bit unusual for me, in that I spent far more time at home than ever before [1], and wasn't constantly out-and-about, like I normally am ... hence the number of LJ entries

However, at any other time in my life, I am found anywhere but home ... I go out of an evening and will be back later ... but later can be anywhere up to, literally, three months later

So, when I do get home, it because I want solitude ... space ... downtime ...

So, I don't (and won't) live with other people any more ... and I can understand that you might spend time at home wishing to be alone ... As much as anything else, this is what home is for ... otherwise we'd all live under a communal tarpaulin

Maybe you just need to find somewhere by yourself, so that you can willingly spend as much time with other people as you want, rather than doing it under duress?




[1] largely due to ill-health, as you know

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Well - quite. I've learned that I will not live with a partner again. I just don't think it's sensible. However I quite like living in a shared house. Sometimes I lack the motivation to go out and have a social life (besides, it tends to be quite expensive apart from anything else), so having it come to me is a bonus. Besides, I'd like to make the place I've just signed my life and soul away for eternity into a place I and others enjoy staying and playing at :)

As long as I have solitude in *my* own room when I choose I can cope.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Yay! And you'll have to come and see it when you next visit :)

[doris.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Know the feeling with shutting the world out and retreating. Glad that you are making some progress with poeple. :)

I suppose some of the reason I removed nearly everyone off my friends list recently was connected with all this. I had had enough of giving of myself to people who didn't reciprocate - not just one or two, not just individuals, but perhaps half the people on my list.

I completely understand that feeling. Wish I had the courage to wipe people from my list, but I'd be afraid of noone noticing and noone bothering.

*more hugs*

[rik.livejournal.com]

you 're in bristol? argh. i'm not. as you've probably noticed. what excellent timing we have.

*sigh*.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Lol yes.. you don't sound too happy? :S jikatal is away in Carlisle.. chocojon's been about here and there. Still, I'm at kissycat1000's for Xmas now, and will be running around no doubt.

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

I deliberately didn't read the other comments on this, and as you know I don't know you, but here goes.

I'm really glad you've found somewhere you feel perhaps could be home to you - I guard my solitude jealously and can see that you perhaps need to do the same. This is no bad thing. Revel in that space.

There is also a fine line between giving and receiving, especially on LJ. I would say that I hope you feel you could rant at me, but I am not sure that you know that. So if talking to a stranger will help, please remember where I am, yes?

Be well.

[barty.livejournal.com]

Whinges are a perfectly valid thing to write in your journal. I doubt people are going to complain about what you write in your own diary. It's not like you only write whinges and don't do anything to improve the situation.

I have occasionally written such things about my own life just to help nail down my feelings. I have usually left them barty only. I admire your openness in letting other people read this.

Anyway, you seem to be making positive steps towards finding a better situation. I wish you every success.

[lislislis.livejournal.com]

I know all too well that feeling of stress that serves as background noise. I have been feeling so much of that at my current job.

Now, I don't know how much of this you care to talk about your situation on LJ or with me even - but I want to ask you some questions and address some things. If you feel more comfortable you can email me the answers or just decline to answer. My email is lislis78@yahoo.com. It does sound like you are depressed. I don't know if your depression is chemical or situation. I'm not a doctor so I won't even pretend to know. However, I go through bouts of depression every once in a while and they are very similar. Especially the wanting to close myself off from everything and everyone...What used to bother me about these depressions was there wasn't a good situation-related reason for me to feel the way I did. I kept thinking, "Why can't I just snap out of it?" I would force myself to get out, do things, try to have fun, but for the most part it didn't work. So I can relate to you in a lot of ways and to your feelings. I also know what it's like to remove people from your life when you are feeling down (whether it be in real life or on LJ)...and then later feel like a jerk and wish you hadn't done it. please don't remove me. If there are times when it takes me a while to respond there is a reason. If you really need to talk, email me, because then I will know that it is something you need to get off your chest and I will know that you want someone to listen, comment, relate...whatever. The offer is open. But only take it if you are comfortable doing so. You hardly know me right now. I won't take offense to you wanting to take the time to know me better first. :)