azekeil

My life is nothing like I imagined it to be when I was younger because:
1. I didn't have the experience and knowledge to know that my current life was an option.
2. I didn't expect to have a disabled child, who really does?
3. I didn't actually give much thought to my future at all.

I thought I'd probably end up in an office job of some description, doing whatever I fell into doing rather that anything that particularly drove me. I thought that at some point I'd marry, have kids, and take a break while they were little. You know, a 'normal' life for a girl of my background. Uni wasn't something that I was aware of as a real option, TBH.

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When do you think your ideas changed?

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Probably when I got involved with the first person who ever appeared to care about me as a person rather than a child, and I jumped at the chance to be loved because I really, honestly thought that it was unlikely that anyone else would want to be with me. I had a baby at 16 and any vague plans for jumping into a job straight from school and progressing through the ranks were kind of ruled out. :/

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And when did they change again after that?

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When my husband decided that he loved someone else and started lying to me (and her) about it. My world fell apart, and I chose to put it back together in a slightly different way... ;)

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Hmm, so life has kind of happened to you, rather than the other way around. Although, to be fair, it did kind of start happening to you in a rather serious way before you really could have much say in things.. ;)

But it's interesting that (I hope) you're most happy now, after you took control and put your life together in the way you felt it would work best for you..

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TBH it's still kind of happening to me, which is the only aspect of it that ever bothers me. I've made decisions along the way to steer it in the right directions though, and will continue to do so, of course. :)

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diffrentcolours

When I was young, I wanted to be a train driver. I gave up on that when I discovered that steam trains were no longer the norm and that Thomas the Tank Engine had painted a skewed view of life.

As a teenager, I wanted to be the bassist in a rock band. It's still a nice thought, but requires actual musical talent on my part which is sadly lacking.

I always figured I'd end up doing something in IT and being reasonably happy, which is where I've ended up basically.

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Cool. Do you think your living arrangements have undergone any substantial changes from what you imagined when you were younger?

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diffrentcolours

I didn't really have any vision of future living arrangements when I was younger. Certainly my current domestic arrangements are about as good as they've been when sharing a house with someone.

I like the idea of living in a small community (perhaps in one large house, or adjacent small ones) with a number of close friends / lovers, but that's a more recent idea.

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I discovered living with a partner was not really what I wanted, but that also living apart introduces other problems too.

I also like the idea of living in a community that look out for each other. This has been a theme for a number of years, but never usually comes up in conversation. A return to tribalism, if you like. I think modern society lacks a lot in that department nowadays.

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diffrentcolours

I've experimented with living with a partner before and it's never worked out. However, my domestic situation (not to mention my relationship) is different now so I think it's worth trying again. There are variations on the theme too, including living in the same house but having seperate rooms etc.

And yeah, I agree about the tribalism thing. I suspect it's caused by the ease of dispersal these days; my parents, siblings and cousins mostly all live a long way away from each other (I think the closest is my younger sister and parents, at about 50 minutes' drive from each other). I've also thought about trying to set up some kind of Neighbourhood Watch / Resident's Association thing to get to know my immediate neighbours.

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anti-girl.livejournal.com

1> absolutely not.
2> As I child I don't think I looked this far ahead. As a slightly older child-not-quite-teenager my plan was to go to Glasgow (because that seemed so far away) to go to university.
3> Plans changed many times when I was a teenager. I had loads of buisness ideas but never got any of them started then I got involved properly in theatre so I was going to be a writer and that was all going ahead, when I moved down here to study writing.
4> Straight after I left uni? haha well we all know that went a bit tits up so I guess I was too busy trying to fix the now to worry about the future but I knew in my head that if I survived it all I'd be coming back here rather than running away from it all back to Aberdeen.
5> Its not been that long, only a couple of years but holy crap has my life changed and I am so glad it has. all the experiences and plans i had when i was younger have gone out the window but I guess since I am 'somewhere between leaving education and now' because it was only 2 and a half years ago my plans are to keep doing what I am doing. hehe.

Its weird how things changed so much, I don't even write at all anymore, and that was my main thing, that was my life. hehe guess i just got happy ;-)

what about youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

thanks again for last night it was lovely :)

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Heh, it was talking with you that inspired me to post this :)

Well, I started off by wanting to be an astronaut. I found out that it was very difficult and I'd have to go into the RAF to stand the best chance. I didn't like that idea - even as a child I abhored violence.

In my teenage years, I realised I needed direction, something to aim for. I knew I was good with computers, but listened to my dad who warned me that doing something you love as a hobby as your main job can suck a lot of the fun out of it. I've found that to be somewhat true..

I've not really changed my focus since my teenage years, and I think sticking to that focus has allowed me to do quite well so far in my career.

Recently I've become more involved in the financial/commercial side of things, which wasn't a direction I'd originally envisioned, and not one I particularly relish, but it's helping me in other areas so I'm happy to get on with it.

Yup, last night was fun, thanks :)

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anti-girl.livejournal.com

astronaut would be so cool!! I've wanted to be so many things over the years, vet, clothes designer, musician, actress, news reader (don't ask) but bizarley where i am now is a combination of the three things that I have steadily been interested in while growing up. entertainment stuffs - Judder, hair dressing - Loxx, and alternative culture and fashion - Front...w00t!!

my brother was very much into the whole school - army/RAF thing, really scared me and as with you the violence thing is just...rrrr! no!

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sepheri.livejournal.com

Has your life gone the way you expected it to?
Not at all. Yet in some ways, yes.

When I was a child I was an actress. All my time that I wasn't at school was taken up with acting or classes. I thought that by now I would be living in London, maybe I would have done some Shakespeare at Stratford. I would be working through the theaters, I didn't expect to be super rich and famous but I did think I would be in regular work even if it would be a struggle.

After that started to fade I thought I would go to uni at 18 just like everyone else. I'd leave at 21, get a job in whatever field I was studying, by a house a few years later then be having children around now.
I didn't even start uni until I was 21 so that wasn't going to happpen either.

Then when I was at uni I thought I would finish that, spend a year working on finding myself a job in textiles, move out, marry the guy I was seeing, spend a few years maybe travelling with my job then have children.

They that guy broke off our engagement and I had a shocking realisation.
I had spent so long making plans for my life that never worked out so the only way forward was to stop planning and embrace whatever oportunities come along, after all, it is always the most unexppected things that bring the most pleasure.

A few days after I made that decision, I fell in love with Rodney and my life changed entirely. I have done things in the last 18 monthes that I never would have thought I would have had the chance to do, been places I never would have thought I would see and its never ending.
Life it better when you stop trying to follow a plan and embrace whatever you are given.

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Gosh, well it just goes to show different approaches are all completely valid for the right people :)

I've always maintained that I needed to have a plan, to keep a focus, to ensure I manage to achieve and maintain a career that I could enjoy and that would provide for me, and by and large I've been fairly successful at that.

I suspect

rodneyorpheus would say the same sort of thing, do you think?

I'm wondering.. it sounds like you made specific plans locked to a timescale, which you considered a failure when those timescales were missed, so you changed your plans.. I've had a general focus, and although I've put timescales to things (I wanted to contract for 3 years, then buy a house), I've still stuck with the main plan when they've fallen through.

Mind you, I didn't have such specific plans as you in the first place!

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sepheri.livejournal.com

I don't know what he would say, you'd have to ask him really.
I do know however that he encourages me to explore things, to not tie myself to the belief that I must have a plan right now, that there is anything that I should be doing.

I am happy in what I am doing right now so why should I be planning for something else? If I become unhappy then I will seek out something new and I believe in my own abilities to find whatever that may be.

It was not just time scales that stopped plans. I stopped acting because I was very ill and being bed ridden can give a person a very different perspective on life and what is important.

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Yes of course, illness, amongst other things, does tend to change your perspective on things..

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nemy.livejournal.com

Has your life gone the way you expected it to? What did you imagine your life would be like now when you were a child? When you were a teenager? Shortly after education? Somewhere between leaving education and now?

If it's different to what you expected, why?

What about your life in the future? Do you think it will actually turn out that way, or do you think it will be different? Why?

1. I suppose the blunt answer is no. As I get older I find I have less expectations. Thats not to say I'm disappointed probably curious and bemused would be the adjectives I'd use.
2. I wanted to be an astronaut, a fireman or a star wars stormtrooper. a) was because I liked space lego b) because I like my lego fire engine and c) because I liked star wars and had dubious fantasies about princess leia even at that age. I think I had hopes of become an astronaut.
3) Nuclear physicist. Alas when I discovered this actually involved very hard mathematics and not cackling "more power, MORE POWER" whilst some large metal device span faster and faster I lost interest.
4) After uni you mean? wanted to join the navy. Alas my eyesight meant I couldnt ever command a ship which was really why I wanted to join.
5) Leaving education and now....well probably a psychotherapist which I'm still planning to do after I make a healthy living as an underwriter.
6) generally I try to sail with the wind as often as possible. Afterall plans are what you make when life lets you if you get my meaning. I have hopes and desires and I am stearing towards them but as to where this will lead me .....who the f*ck knows and who the f*ck cares. Its all life.

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Heh. I think I'm beginning to spot a theme here. I may post about it at more length when I have time.

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nemy.livejournal.com

Would your hypothesis be that a lot of people seem to have some sort of epiphany and radically alter there dreams/desires (usually after uni)?

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zapruder.livejournal.com

wow, this is hard to answer.

When I was a child I had no real concept of 'the future', probably because I was so ill and, to be blunt, no-one was expecting me to have much of one. I read a lot and wanted an exciting life, the sort I might read about. I couldn't imagine being 25 - 25 was very old. I would probably have expected I'd be rich and famous.

When I was a teenager I wanted the world on a plate. I had some remarkable opportunities in my late teens and did things I am pretty sure most people wouldn't do (like go and live in the USA with someone I'd just met the day before - I did that the weekend after my GCSE results came out). I expected things to fall into my lap. 25 was Past It and I never thought past the present.

When I left school I realised/was forced to realise that I was the mistress of my destiny and had to actually do something. I had a period of extreme depression/ill-health related to feeling like everything was very mundane and life would never be as exciting as it had been, like I had missed my chance. Of course dropping out of university and barely leaving the house made that something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I eventually forced myself out of the funk and took more a-levels and decided to start again at being a 'normal' person. The fear loomed large (I was 18/19 now), that at 25 I would be doing something unfulfilling and unremarkable, or lying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself.

Then I got pregnant, which was something I had always been told would never be achieved without fertility treatment (following childhood chemotherapy). Suddenly there was a motivating factor again, though I think I had a very unrealistic concept of what single-parenthood entailed. I was desperate to get qualificiations and imagined my life at 25 as being a sort of downtrodden suburban mundanity with me working as a primary school teacher part-time or something. I was desperate not to be alone.

So my present is not really how I imagined I'd end up! In many ways it feels like beyond the best case scenario. I was always so convinced I was unlovable, and that I'd mess everything up. I mess plenty up but things have turned out so, so much better than I thought they would. Mundanity doesn't feel like a bad thing anymore; and anyway, it's what you make of it.

My future is sort of hazy. I want to live abroad, and/or I want to do a PGCE and teach post-16 (ultimately I'd like to teach mature students, access courses, that sort of thing). I still want/expect something remarkable to happen, to fall out of the sky and change my life - but increasingly I think that it's already happened :)

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Fascinating.

I can really relate to how you must have felt at each stage of your life.

I find it very weird to look back at how I thought in the past and realise I was wrong. Trouble is, I can't think of anything where I was wrong enough in a significant way, which is distressing. I must have them, just can't think of them right now. More thought needed.

Anyway, it's of interest to me now because I want to do the impossible: find some way to get through to a teenager that they really won't know their own mind; we as adults (hah!) are still struggling to figure out how to live our lives, and still get it wrong now (do we?)

More thoughts and perhaps a conclusion coming soon in a post near you.

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omylouse.livejournal.com

interesting thoughts....

My life isn't far off how I'd expected... as a young kid I wanted to be a farmers wife (live on a pretty farm, not so much work to do), then I grew out of that & decided I wanted to become a vet... That held me through secondary school until the unis failed to give me a place. Zoology was the backup option but I ha nod plans for after (vague thoughts of PhD), then this MSc turned up (offering bursary) & I had no other options so I took it, then the PhD came up & sounds cool so I'm taking that. So technically I've not yet left education & won't for a while but as yet no plans for after... No plans seems to be working well so far :)

Of course there's my fallback plan of move home to parents, volunteer half the week, work in sainsburys the other then get a job in conservation.... I quite like this plan but have yet to need something to fall back on!

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Interesting, thanks.

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Interesting - it sounds like your career ambitions were mainly driven by prestige and status, and you made the decisions emotionally, until you delved deeper and realised the true nature of the jobs, or the surrounding issues.

Now it seems you're more interested in jobs that hold your interest; you relish chasing deals etc.

Interesting to see how your career ambitions (and how you view them) have changed!

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ninneviane.livejournal.com

Has your life gone the way you expected it to?
No.
What did you imagine your life would be like now when you were a child?
When you were a teenager? Shortly after education? Somewhere between leaving education and now?
When I was a child I didn't have a clue except for all the normal things like get married, have babies, live happily ever after. When I was a teenager, life went horrible which lasted until I left education at 16, and then I completely lost in myself, my life, everything. I have very little support, which is why when I met R, all I wanted was to have babies, and a family. I didn't believe there were any other options open to me. Life was as I always imagined it would be from that point on, until I the 'M' part of my life. Since then nothing has gone as expected and generally I've felt completely unprepared for events as they've come to me. I thought I would be incredibly sussed and grown up when I got to this age, like I thought my Mum and Dad were, and all adults were, when I was small. I didn't realise making mistakes and learning from them was a life long commitment :)

If it's different to what you expected, why?

That's expectation for you. I didn't have for one reason or another, tools that would have meant I could have come out of events in my life better than I did. But then that's life. We do as we do at the time, and if there are lessons to be learned we learn them. Everyone has their story y'know...I know why life has worked out the way it has, and although I haven't liked it at the time, I see the purpose behind it. I do believe everything happens for a reason, to teach us something so we can grow if we note the lesson and learn from it.

What about your life in the future? Do you think it will actually turn out that way, or do you think it will be different? Why?
I hope it turns out the way I'd like...but that will come down to whether I want to be the driver of my life, or be driven by it. I hope that I am learning skills that will ensure I become a better driver. Things is, it's all just hope, and more expectation all over again...there aren't any guarantees in spite of the good drive and determination will do for me. And that's what I try to hold in mind these days more than anything.

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Heh, sounds familiar. I remember thinking your and

kissycat1000's stories sounded very similar when I first added you.

I think you understand the value in making plans, but being prepared to take what life throws at you as well.

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ninneviane.livejournal.com

There were events earlier in my life that should have taught me that much sooner, but for some reason they never did and it's taken the events of the last 4 years to bang that lesson deep into my conscious mind in the hope it'll stick there :)

So how about you hun? How would you answer those questions?

Apalogees if you've already answered this somewhere else...I'm slow on the catch up this last couple of weeks

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Heh, I did, here..

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ninneviane.livejournal.com

Thanking you! **goes off to read over her cornflakes**

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When i was young i had no real concept of 'Growing up' I never identified Grown Ups with something i'd one day become. when i was 8 & 9 there were so many painful, confusing things going on that i thought this was my lot forever - i'd heard people referring to 'jobs' and i assumed that it was my job to be scapegoated, shouted at, bullied and abused, it didn't seem wrong to me, i just assumed it was normal.

When i moved on to teenagerdom and secondary education the bullying progressed from big black hairy spiders in my clothes for me to find when PE was over or in the drawer where my workbooks were kept to mimicking my voice because it was different or poking fun at my looks and really drumming it into me that i was ugly and no one in their right mind would want to go out with me, saying that i would die a lonely spinster. my teachers in junior and secondary school came to the conclusion that i was basically useless at everything, they even stopped bothering with the 'has potential, could do better' lie on report cards and saying more brutally that i'd be lucky to get an F. By this time i was in foster care and becoming a 'problem child' i kept on getting shuffled around because no family wanted me, and the one or two families i did get on with i had to be moved from because they were only 'Short Term' foster families leaving me feeling abandoned. My version of my future at this point was very very bleak and very early on i started to go off the rails because of this. i developed a drinking problem when i was 13 / 14 and started to run away. I felt unwanted, ugly, unlovable and like i had no future.

By the time i left the education system i'd been living with my Dad for a while and i went straight into a basic computer course at college which i hated. it was all too basic which meant i couldn't apply myself in the way i needed to to be able to complete the course. When i was still 17 and attending the college my Dad, who had been smoking ALOT of pot, started to get paranoid and stopped trusting me, at first he just took away my housekey so i couldn't get at 'his post' which meant i had to wait for him to come home from work to be let in, which on average was about an hour's wait if i left college at kicking out time. I began to think i had done something wrong and i was a horrible person. The people at school were right - i would never find anyone desperate enough to go out with me for anymore than a couple of weeks. Then one morning Dad knocked on my bedroom door before he went to work and told me he expected me to be gone from his house by the time he got home and left. I'd met Chris not long before this and i was able to go to his house and stay for a few days. Social services were called and i was put back in foster care. My thoughts about the future were nonexistent at this point. The closest family they could find that wanted me was in Wotton - Under - Edge. Yet another blow to my self-esteem. From this point on i assumed i'd be dead by the time i hit 25. I had a massive problem with alcohol, self harm and i frequently cried myself to sleep. It was a two hour bus journey to reach civilization and a 15 minute walk to the bus stop from where i lived. There was one bus out in the morning at ridiculous a clock and one bus back in the evening which left Bristol at 5pm. the only motivator to take the bus ride from hell at 8am was that it would get me out of that fking house. not a moment too soon they decided they didn't want me there anymore and i was moved into an 'independence unit' what a joke that was. this was a glorified purpose built children's home for all the kids they couldn't find families for. They gave us £18.50 a week to live on which was supposed to teach us how to be independent, What it actually did was teach us how to steal and lie to con more money out of them.
...

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...

When i left there i moved into a council studio flat with Chris and a strange metamorphosis started to happen. my sense of self worth, self esteem and confidence in myself as a human being was non existent. I cried alot, drank alot and found new and interesting ways to hurt myself. I got registered at a temping agency and started to meet new people.. New people who instantly liked me.. New people who told me i was attractive. Of course i didn't believe them for a second and found it weird and kindof wrong.

My future then was looking brighter, i'd somehow managed to find someone who wanted to be with me, this seemed odd to me and i was always ready for him to realise that it was all a huge mistake and WTF was he doing with me? Then he told me he wanted to marry me, we made the arrangements and even as the date was getting closer and closer i was expecting him to turn round and say HAHA! i got you good! why would i wanna marry YOU?? My wedding day was surreal but very very happy. We had children and my view of my future started to look a lot less bleak until i screwed it all up. People started telling me that i wasn't a good parent and i was neglecting the children. My world was shattered the day my health visitor phoned up and told me my MOTHER had phoned up and registered a formal concern for the way i was treating my children. My health visitor knew my mum well and knew what she was like so said she was taking it with a pinch of salt but thought i might like to know. I was devastated. the next few weeks it all fell apart. Chris and i split up, i lost my family and all around me people were saying i didn't deserve to be their mother. I briefly stayed with a 'friend' and the drinking problem i had gotten under control spiralled out of all proportion. I couldn't see past the next few days, i didn't want to be alive. as far as i was concerned i had no future. The year after that was kinda messy. People were noticing me more and telling me i was stunningly attractive but i ignored them, assuming they were lying. I stopped trusting people altogether. I got very close to and fell in love with two VERY special people at the same time but i was very emotionally very messed up and didn't handle it very well. They both have a Very special place in my heart but sadly i've drifted away from one of them - too far i feel for us to be close again. These people gave me a small bit of confidence, to see that they both wanted me, they both found me attractive enough to pursue. But, in the end i fucked it up again, went right back to square one, only this time i discovered drugs too. i had no future again.

Three years later and it's now.. i managed not to kill myself - although i think that was dumb luck with some of the things i did. Four years ago i found the clubscene and suddenly found myself surrounded with people complimenting me - wanting to be near me - wanting to be with me - wanting to look like me, The drugs i did, although many times probably nearly killed me, taught me alot about myself.. i was thrust into a world where EVERYONE loved me. from day one i had people looking after me - making sure i was ok, bouncers who would make it their duty to make sure i wasn't hassled. The feminine in me roared and i turned on charms and powers i never even knew i had. I quickly got in with the managements, got work behind the bars, then designing flyers, promoting - EVERYONE wanted to talk to me - be seen talking to me. the manager of the club i was working for was getting managers of all the other clubs in Bristol phoning up and complimenting the flyer design. For all the damage it did me, that part of my life gave me more confidence, aliveness and self worth than i'd ever had. The future was bright - the future was bright and laser lit ..

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I'm with a fantastic person and have been for two years, during which i haven't touched any hard drugs and my alcohol intake is under control. The situation with my family is also fantastic - Chris and I get on really well, i see the kids when i want and am really enjoying them growing up.

I've learnt that it's my lot never to know what is around the corner, never to assume anything. My future now looks fantastic. I don't assume to predict what my future holds, and i don't make hopes or dreams about where i will be in ten years time.

All of the above.. i'm 28 years old. I feel like i've lived three whole lifetimes already when in truth i have at least three times that to go. it's been a hell of a ride..

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Wow, that's so admirably open. *Impressed look*

It's funny to read all this from one of the people who was intrumental in changing the course of my life, and to see all the things that I knew about, mixed in with the things that I didn't, and to observe what parts got a mention and what parts didn't...

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Wow, that's so admirably open. *Impressed look* *Blinks* wha..?

who was intrumental in changing the course of my life *Blinks Twice*

*Grins* hehe Thankyou :D

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's funny. Rather tritely, the personality you express outwardly does not reflect how you feel internally. To someone with no real knowledge of your life this would seem strange. The trials and tribulations of your childhood have been impacting your life, but in recent years you have managed to shed off most of that and almost start from a fresh perspective. As you have proven to yourself, with the clubbing PR job, you are worthwhile and you should not let your history interfere with that. Not many people are capable of being admired as you were at that time; I hope that says something :)

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I'm not sure what to say.. but i'm grinning lots :D Thankyou Alex
You ALWAYS cheer me up in the best ways. We should catch up next time you are down this way.. I'll have a word with My better half. See what we can work out :)

I do miss you, you know - *shuffles feet* um.. lots infact

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*hugs* :)

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growf.livejournal.com

When I was a kid, I always imagined being a grown-up would be cool because then I'd be able to afford all the toys I wanted and things I wanted to do as a 10 year old.

The other day I realised I was right.

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Is that a sort of bitter-sweet realisation? I always imagined adulthood to be more than the ability to buy more expensive toys (coupled with greater responsibility), but I'm struggling to come up with many concrete examples...

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growf.livejournal.com

Actually, it was quite surprising. I can't remember what I was doing but it suddenly occurred to me that I hung out with my friends in much the same way I did as a kid - except that we were doing the kind of things now that I'd always wanted to do. In the main I'm hanging around with people who've not really taken on any more responsibility. I've gravitated towards people whose sense of play is still able to be first and foremost.

My biggest fears about being sensible, serious and 'grown-up' came about after I finished university. For a six years or so I had much less social interaction, few toys and a lot of money worries. This was what being a grown-up had always threatened to be - but it passed and I'm now just another 30-something, single big kid.

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Interesting. I certainly think you've got an important point there :)

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gerald_duck

Until I was eight, life was just about boring lessons at school and interesting books at home. My passion was astronomy, and I probably wanted a job in that, if I ever thought about employment at all. I wasn't interested in girls.

At eight I switched to a much better school. Between eight and thirteen, I gradually became aware that I was very intelligent. I also started following academic pursuits more intensively, and developed a passion for maths. At that point, I decided I was going to do a maths degree at Cambridge University, followed by a PhD. (The school encouraged insufferable precocity; I took it for granted I'd get in.) I still wasn't interested in girls.

Then, as eighteen approached, I also became fascinated by computers. I decided a maths degree followed by computing PhD and postdoctoral research would be a better option. I became interested in boys; gradually the option of settling down with a nice man some day began to appeal.

Sure enough, I got into Cambridge. During my first year I realised university-level maths wasn't as much fun as I'd anticipated, so switched to computer science for my second year. I dated some men, and ended up long-term attached to one. Having grown up thinking of jobs as boring things (my father was a quantity surveyor, my mother an accounts secretary) I started socialising with people in industry; I realised I didn't have to continue in academia to have an intellectually stimulating time, and I could get paid much more for having fun in the outside world. Thus, my interest in PhD and post-doctoral research waned, and I was already learning what I needed to know about computer science.

After graduation, I started working in the software industry. My boyfriend and I committed ourselves to one another for life (without any ceremony or legal recognition back in those days, of course) and bought a house.

In the late nineties, I moved into software engineering for audio systems. That's where I've stayed for almost a decade now, and I feel very much at home in the field. When I was an undergraduate, I hadn't envisaged there being a suitable job for me in the field — hooray for ever more advanced embedded systems! My boyfriend left me, which completely knocked me for six.

A friend and I started living together, having a couple of relationships during that time. I began to give up hope of finding a life-long partner, and since I never really pine for a partner in the abstract anyway, hankering only after specific individuals, this didn't upset me greatly. The friend and I were planning on buying a house together and turning the arrangement — that had already lasted seven years — into a more permanent thing.

Then he got a girlfriend and abruptly decided to move out, which kiboshed that plan. Then, completely unexpectedly, I found myself with a girlfriend, too. Now things are looking quite earnest. We've made no commitments to one another, but we'd certainly like this to be for keeps. Suddenly, there are surprising options like having children, that I need to consider.

For the most part, changes in my life that come from myself are extremely gradual. I always seem to be looking at least five years ahead, and tweaking things gently rather than suddenly changing direction. But once in a while I get a major external surprise — most of them bad.

In general, I yearn for security. I like adventure and exploration, but I need a dependable home to which I can return and benefit greatly from having someone I can depend upon utterly in adversity. Broadly speaking, my life seems to consist of repeated strenuous effort in the direction of security, punctuated by major setbacks.

But my girlfriend is very special, and very dear to me. Things now feel comfortable in a way they never have before. Given a few more years, I may finally relax and feel at peace. Certainly, my plan for the future is of a 'til-death-us-do-part nature.

I intend to keep working on music and software for as long as it's fun. Then, I could move into other areas of software, or I could possibly become a writer. Writing could be something I did to keep myself alert during retirement, punctuated by extensive travelling.

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