A mish-mash of things

[azekeil]

Last night, we played Wii which involved vigorous pumping of the arms (!). This actually got my heart racing in such a way that it wouldn't settle, and the horror movie we watched afterwards didn't help much either. It took me what felt like an hour to actually get to sleep.

What didn't help much either was that T decided to start coughing at some point early in the morning - ceaselessly - until it was time to get up. I commented to a co-worker who has recently had a small child about this, and he mentioned that his baby woke up at 3am for an hour or so. I said that children keeping you up at night never really goes away, just gets less as they get older... (although boy I bet those are famous last words)

Something occurred to me the other day that irked me. Autism as we know is, in a very simple definition, a mechanism that makes people less socially aware than 'normal' people. Ever since something clicked at age 7 that I couldn't just go around hitting people when they didn't do what I want (my brain didn't make the connection that they were people, thinking and feeling, just as I was), I've been playing emotional catch-up. So when I was a teenager I had an emotional age of about an 8-10 year old or so. Due to various circumstances I repressed my adolescence until I was free to express it as I felt I was able to - which was my first year at university. Of course, this didn't make me especially popular. About age 21 I finally discovered my adult 'self', and have been maturing gently ever since (some a lot of you may scoff at that *grin*).

But it does make me feel like autism (or the mild version I have) cheated me out of my adolescence. And now I feel like I won't ever be able to regain that, which saddens me. I guess I need to deal with that and move on.

I should probably add though that the extra experience and intelligence I got due to delaying my adolescence probably kept me out of serious trouble.

Lastly, we're going through a bit of a period of re-adjustment, which is proving rough on everyone, I think it's fair to say. I at least made my first positive steps: I made my own sandwiches to take into work today. I have a feeling I know where my badminton racquet is, and some people more than willing to join me in getting some exercise.

Comments

[ev1ldonut.livejournal.com]

I guess I just don't think of it as a horror film, sorry about that... I guess it is a bit 'jumpy' in places, especially if you haven't seen it before. But very funny though! or I think so at least, but then I am evil, sick and twisted...

Can't really blame her for coughing, and besides, at least some of it was probably me as well. Not something that can be helped unfortunately. :( I try to cough into a duvet/pillow to mute the sound though, maybe we could suggest that to her? Might help...

Badminton, yeah man! \o/ XD
I don't have a racquet though. Also, not sure I have trainers that would be acceptable for use on a badminton/squash court (as in non-black soles that don't leave marks). Might need a trip to the JJB's by Tesco to solve both these problems.

[nina321.livejournal.com]

I really should stop reading people's pages from bottom to top an reading comments from the middle outward.
what I *saw* there was "perhaps we could mute her sound with a pillow/duvet..."
I thought you were planning to suffocate her in the night!

...maybe you are...

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

nina321 has all the best plans ;)

[ev1ldonut.livejournal.com]

No, she just blurts them out for the whole world to see! I swear I'd be ruling the world already if it wasn't for her! *shakey fist*

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

nina321:

I'M IN UR BRAIN, STEALING UR PLANZ!

ev1ldonut: Curses, foiled again!

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Sorry, didn't mean this to come out as a whinge, just a set of observations really. My observation is that I'm whinging a fair bit ;)

I think it was just down to weird mood I was in rather than anything else. Still, the last scene made it worth while, and actually makes me want to re-watch that awful film ninjagirl made us watch - I think it was called Vampire Lesbian Nurses or something.. ;)

No. I also feel guilty, because I know that room still has mould etc that needs to be sorted. That can't be helping.

Well, badminton-wise, it might be simpler, cheaper and easier to (perhaps in the summer though) get a cheap net from Toys-R-Us or similar for use in the back garden? I was going to suggest this might save you expensive equipment costs, but I guess it's not really suitable for the winter..

[ev1ldonut.livejournal.com]

Expensive equipment?! pfft!
Just give me a basic racquet (£20 ish) and crappy trainers (£10) and that'll be all I need! Not like I'm planning on going pro or anything! ;)

[zoedoll.livejournal.com]

I think I get what you mean about delaying adolescence... I can't work out how much of a concious choice it was on my part to stay ill enough to keep me at the physical, emotional and responsibility levels of a pre-teen. Part of me misses it, but I feel like I'm finally growing up, dealing with relationships, et cetera. I've got a long, long way to go though :/

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

One of the things I miss is playing music at people; sharing discoveries. Perhaps in light of your recent post you might like to come over some time and do that? I have no idea what sort of stuff you like..

[zoedoll.livejournal.com]

yeah, that sounds cool :D i'm mostly all electro/pop/dance stuff but in reality I like a bit of everything, as long as it doesn't hurt my brain. I used to be all about the rock music, I wonder where that went? I realised how much of a turn-around I'd done with music the other day, I was in the car with my mother and sister and my sister was playing some guitar music and all I wanted to do was turn it off and play some dance or something. On the other hand, when she plays r'n'b I want to turn it off and put guitar stuff on. As long as it's not emo ¬_¬

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Hah. Not listening to what your siblings like is natural, it bears no indication on what you actually like listening to, more to how you feel towards your siblings at the time ;)

No, it's not emo. I like things that have appreciable talent - that's about it. So no britpop. Ugh. :)

[growf.livejournal.com]

Minimal techno!

Trentemøller! Booka Shade! Dominik Eulberg! Oxia!

[nina321.livejournal.com]

I remember adolescense, or however the hell it's spelt. It SUCKED.
To spend all your time thinking that you're actually pretty grown up and that EVERYONE in the WORLD is trying to cheat you out of something even if you're not sure what, then you look back, and the best you can come up with is "pfft".

Seriously, I know this won't really make you feel any better but I don't think aolescense is a great time to have, so perhaps you haven't missed out on much.
Maybe for me it's because adolescense is largely assosiated with puberty, and spending your entire time trying to deal with all the crazy changes.

I think the age we're at now is what it's all for!

[ev1ldonut.livejournal.com]

Oh, so very yes...

Adolesemeranceses (teenager-itis) was a load of crap. Looking like a mutant, thinking you were an adult, convinced the entire world was deliberately holding you back and treating you like a child. Look back and think "'kin 'ell, I was a right moody little git.", and similar...

For me, emotional maturing was not done in my teenage years at all. That's mostly just when I got bigger. It was done... Actually just after I left university, I didn't have a clue how to deal with people and life when I graduated (just a fair idea of how to survive, and where the best places to drink were). So I don't think you've missed anything at all matey. Probably been at this 'emotional maturity' business longer than I have!

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

An interesting and possibly useful perspective, thanks..

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I had that internal dialogue with myself before posting it, but I guess it's nice just to have people comment with the same (mostly) unprompted.. :)

[nina321.livejournal.com]

This is going to sound a bit deep and meaningful... Please don't tell anyone that i'm actually this nice.

Adolescense is such a horrible time, both physically and emotionally, part of the reason I'm a teacher is I feel I can actually affect the one area of their lives that is changable.
Not sure if that made sense in the way I intended it.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Aw!

Well, good for you. I hope it works that way, although I fear for most it doesn't. But the one or two that do makes it all worthwhile I guess..?

[siani-hedgehog.livejournal.com]

I remember adolescense, or however the hell it's spelt. It SUCKED.

you know, when i was a kid, my mum always told me that adolescence would be hell, and i should just avoid it. she said i'd be hormonal and frustrated all the time, and be miserable, so i should stay a kid as long as possible.

she was UTTERLY wrong. i *loved* it. i thought i was a child, but getting to do wonderful grownup stuff like driving a car (seriously, the best thing EVER), and staying up all night, and camping out in the wilderness with just my friends, and building HUGE fires, and listening to really loud music, and dressing funny, and growing boobs. it was AWESOME. on good days, i still feel like that.

but, i guess i was lucky. i grew up in an odd place, with very odd peers. in a town where about half the adult population are nuclear physicists, statistically a lot of the kids are going to be a little unusual, and in a 1950s model community 2 hours from a city, you really don't get much other influence.

and i'm not at all sure that mine is what most people mean when they talk about a "normal" adolescence, anyways. :)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Wait. I still do that sort of thing now, for fun.

I recently told T (kissycat1000's 14 year old daughter) that the only difference I could tell between being an adult and a child was responsibility. I still want to do the things I thought were cool and fun as I did when I was a teenager..

[siani-hedgehog.livejournal.com]

Wait. I still do that sort of thing now, for fun.

exactly. :) so do i.

the thing that made being a teenager unique was, as far as i could tell, that i got some of the freedom without the responsibility. but, honestly, it didn't make much difference. most of the responsibility i have, being childless, is just to pay my own bills and stuff. so that's really just more freedom, given that i could always just decide what size i want my bills to be.

[ninneviane.livejournal.com]

But it does make me feel like autism (or the mild version I have) cheated me out of my adolescence.
That's understandable...**nods**...it always surprises me how many people feel cheated out of a 'normal'(subjective) adolescence for one reason or another. I know I did for a long time, until it finally it sank in that no matter how sad I felt about it, or how unfair it was, I couldn't change the past, and that said yes it was time to move on. It's taken a while to get to that place, but eventually I've been able to let it go. It's just not important now :) You'll get there **hugs** sooner than you think :)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

As I replied to nina321 above, another thought that crossed my mind was that many people might feel similarly cheated.. such that the impression of what adolescence is is actually warped in most people's minds.

Besides, I think you of anyone I know has spent a large amount of time pursuing that which you lost, probably more successfully and more responsibly than most, I would think! :)

[ninneviane.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you think so :) I think I've probably enjoyed it more and done a better job of it (so to speak) than I would have done had I had the opportunity earlier :)

[hawkida.livejournal.com]

I'm not clear on what you mean by expressing adolescence.

I was the oldest of four siblings with a big age gap between me and the youngest. I sort of turned into an adult when I was about 10 to some degree. Maybe earlier. I was always the responsible one, the "delight to have in the class", and I started babysitting other people's kids when I was about 12. Never liked the music my peers liked, was always seen as a bit odd, didn't drink before I was 18 except occasional tastes at adult parties, didn't have a proper boyfriend until I was 17. Does that mean I missed out on an adolescence or do you mean something else by it?

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

I feel like there's exploration still in my system that constantly nags to be 'let out', that would have been appropriate as a teenager but not (so much) now I'm a 'responsible adult'. There, that's my definition.

[hawkida.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I think I let out such urges far more now than I ever would have as a teenager. Maybe I'm a late starter! I'm hoping to learn to use my skateboard over the summer, for example.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Heh. To paraphrase pop-psychology, perhaps I need to discover my 'inner child'..? ;)

[anti-girl.livejournal.com]

Think a lot of people feel the same. I was cheated out of mine because I had to grow up so fast and as a result when I was put into a younger situation (uni) I had a massive spaz attack.
It makes me sad I missed all that. Even all the heartache and angst it brings, maybe it would have made me stronger now. Also maybe my "I fancy you" skillz would be a little more refined hehe.
ah well. I'm still happy where I am despite my occasional spaz attacks of HOLY CRAP WHY AM I ACTING LIKE A 43 YEAR OLD MUST DRINK VODKA FROM THE BOTTLE, BREAK SOME HEARTS AND 'BORROW' MUMS CAR!!!111ONEELEVENTY hehe
x

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Dude, I think the 'I fancy you' skillz lack for most people to be honest. Dutch courage - but not too much - then being honest is the only way I've managed to make it work.. ;)

[oholiab.livejournal.com]

Dude, you ain't missing out on adolescence... Have you SEEN some of the people you hng around with?

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Hah yes, but I feel a certain detachment that can only be due to my age.. :/

[katya-uk.livejournal.com]

i agree with others that my teenage years were some of the worst years of my life and i really wouldn't ever want to repeat them. Try to look at it as a blessing rather than a loss. You are great as you are now and thats all that matters *smiles*
*hugs* xxx