azekeil: (Ulysses_31)
2009-01-13 10:32 am
Entry tags:

Learning; kindness

Ever since starting university I've stopped reading books. This has been a source of mild annoyance at myself, but I don't see that changing any time soon. I was driving to work yesterday listening to banal drivel on Radio 1 (I usually listen hoping to hear some music, but seemingly not at that time) and changed the channel. The radio found Radio 4, where I listened to some stuff and then a programme I now know as "Start the Week".

The show this week was talking about kindness, and how the UK seems to be full of people being unkind. The guest argues that actually it's because we're afraid to be kind, as this brings us closer to people in a way that we might not be comfortable with.

It occurred to me that this is actually a very clever piece of psychology. By showing that being kind is actually showing strength, rather than being a weakness, it empowers people to be kinder. In theory. If you have a moment, I urge you to listen to the programme - see what you think. I didn't get to finish as I finished my commute before the programme did.

I know it's not much, but it occurred to me that although I don't read books to learn more about the world around me, I do read stuff online (and take that with the large shovels of salt it deserves) and I could also now listen to Radio 4 during my commutes to get intelligent debate on current and relevant topics. It's certainly making me think more, in a positive way, which is good.
azekeil: (vague2)
2008-03-05 11:16 am
Entry tags:

Self doubt

So in actuality things are actually going really well for me. It is of course at this point that self-doubt creeps in and niggles away. Last night I was fairly unsettled by a number of small things (or not so small I suppose, depending on your perspective) to the point that I just wanted reassurance.

Today I have if not resolution then a plan of action for tackling some of the more immediate ones, but the others still remain )

Poker tonight; let's have some fun :)
azekeil: (oooooooo!)
2007-07-18 05:16 pm


My last update seemed to come out differently to the one I was imagining in my head. I wanted to talk about approaching my 30th and feeling that I was having fun but not really following my dreams or ambitions, like blacksmithing (specifically weaponsmithing). I've always been the sort to have something to look forwards to, to work towards. I've also been adverse to spending money on entertainment (harks back to my student days, I guess). So I guess I've been coming to the conclusion that it's not wrong to want to spend a bit of money on hobbies, even when those hobbies could be quite costly - if I can afford it, that is.

So, this is why I want to sort out my finances, so I'm not putting my hobbies before my original and sensible plans of making sure I have a decent pension and no mortgage in my old age. Anything left over after that will be money for toys; which is better than my current cycle of spending money on toys and not actually saving up for the house improvements or anything sensible. I know this is a phase and I know it's going to change soon, but I guess I just want to make sure I'm not committing myself to a boring life with my plans for the future without living while I'm young enough to enjoy it fully :)

Other people don't seem to have these issues - or if they do they don't seem to talk about them much. So, how do other people view these sorts of things?
azekeil: (vague)
2007-03-06 09:30 pm
Entry tags:

Not again!

In my rush yesterday evening to buy the new game, it appears my wallet fell out of my pocket once again as I got into my car. Apparently it has been handed in but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out exactly where it's gone.

What surprised me was the deep feelings of inadequacy and depression I felt at what is in all actuality a small event with (usually) little consequence*. But the meaning to me was one of failure; if I can't even keep a wallet about my person what hope do I have?

I purposely got a wallet with a chain to attach to a belt loop so it would be harder to lose it. But in my rush I didn't do that, and it must have been the rush that caused me to be careless.

I knew it was silly as I was feeling it, that I was feeling low and also irritable, so I took myself off to my darkened room. This is quite unlike me. But through it all I maintained a sense of perspective.

Now I feel quite OK, especially now I know it's been found, so I can stop looking for it. And once I was over the worst of it, a beer also helps :)

* After losing my wallet so many times before, my wallet now usually only contains a small amount of cash and two cards from the same bank in it.
azekeil: (Default)
2007-02-12 11:52 am

In other self-realisations

On a similar theme to my post about learning methods, there is something else I'm slowly coming to realise. This is obviously my time for 'realising things'. This time it's about interactions and other people.

Now, as people who know me at all or read my journal in the slightest will know, in my early twenties I discovered that the reason I was a little different to others was most likely because I was some way along the autistic spectrum away from 'normal'. Before then, and especially since then, I've gone through large periods of self-doubt around my ability to interact with people. I'm slowly learning to overcome that; that I am actually a reasonable person to interact with and generally likeable (despite what the voices in my head keep telling me. No, scratch that I don't have voices, I have doubts. Whatever.)

Read more... )
azekeil: (vague2)
2006-01-22 09:15 pm
Entry tags:

Did you know...

We're still dealing with things. This is what responsibility means. We've been talking about [ profile] tianna_j's future, amongst other things, and the funny thing is just how often we sit and talk about exactly this sort of thing.

Oh, and I mean us, as a family: [ profile] kissycat1000, [ profile] ev1ldonut and myself.

[EDIT]: I'm behind the times. NOW I'm ready for a weekend with [ profile] blaadyblah and [ profile] gashinryu.. damnit.
azekeil: (eye)
2006-01-01 10:33 am

Your innermost thoughts (poll)

Okay. This is something that's interested me for a while. Obviously it's about your innermost thoughts, so if you're uncomfortable putting your name to them (for the world to see), I'd be really grateful if you would go to the effort of leaving an anonymous comment with your answers. Same goes for any discussion. I'm not interested in victimisation, more the rationalé behind what you think and how it makes you feel.

The poll )
azekeil: (eye)
2005-12-13 12:11 pm
Entry tags:

An elaboration

I think I've recently been in the mood to indulge my darker wallowing side. Hello world, yes this is my inside speaking. You know, watching The Crow and enjoying the cliché'd melodrama - but not from a pretentious or attention-seeking kind of way. Except of course, that this and the previous post are all about attention-seeking, as well as writing.

I used to be more than this. I used to feel.

Perspective: I know this is just winter and other stresses.

So. In order to seem approachable and invite some interaction, why don't you see what you can tell me about your insides?
azekeil: (nice fish)
2005-11-01 12:20 am
Entry tags:

Dark nights and darker thoughts.

Well with the clocks going back the winter nights are well and truly here, and with them the slog through the miserableness that is winter. Our evenings now stolen and turned into night, I guess you can't help but feel the weight of it pressing down.

I'm still trying to regain the momentum I know I had at one point before the tonsillectomy and new job and get my house in order. I'm not enjoying living in it in the state it is in. After some introspection I think some drastic action is called for to get it (and me) in shape.
azekeil: (Default)
2005-09-20 05:33 pm
Entry tags:

A time for reflection

I have been meaning to write this for some time. I have been off from work since the beginning of the month, and I won't start work again until I start my new job at Messagelabs on the 26th. During this time off I have relaxed, done really not a lot, got on with personal projects, let my place go a bit, played computer games, bought stuff I've been thinking about buying for ages and not felt guilty about any of it. It's been a really rejuvenating time.

Physically I still feel really quite run down, but this last week should hopefully sort that out.

But it got me thinking... )